


in which brendon urie can move mountains

by the_seventh_avenger



Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Ever - Freeform, M/M, POV Third Person, brendon urie is quite the matchmaker, but she has like two lines, for any reason, in which brendon is a nosy little shit, jenna makes a short appearance, oh peterick is real af, oh um brendon is the main character kind of, sarah/brendon is a thing, seriously don't read this, this is absolute shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 02:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4042450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_seventh_avenger/pseuds/the_seventh_avenger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon was going to find Tyler Joseph a girlfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in which brendon urie can move mountains

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say that I'm sorry for what you're about to read.

Brendon Urie could move mountains.

Well, the mountains of peoples' emotionally stuntedness, at least. And he'd be damned if he wasn't going to work a fucking miracle for Tyler. He'd done it before – do you really think that Pete and Patrick would've gotten past their weird mutual pining shit if not for Brendon's help – and he'd do it again.

He was going to find Tyler Joseph a girlfriend.

 

.o0O0o.

 

"Tyler Joseph, I am going to find you a girlfriend."

"Please don't," Tyler deadpanned without looking up from his anatomy worksheet.

"Too late. I've already committed myself. By the end of this month, you will no longer be single," Brendon announced.

Tyler penned in a brief explanation on the function of the kidney. "Good luck with that."

Brendon peered at Tyler's paper and copied the answer to number three. "Nice to know you're so supportive."

"I don't want a girlfriend."

"You're getting one."

"Asshole."

 

.o0O0o.

 

As usual, the cafeteria was hectic, teenagers rushing about, swapping stories and stealing from each other's lunchboxes. This made for an excellent hunting ground.

"You can't just claim the cafeteria as your hunting ground."

"I already did." Brendon took a bite of his spaghetti. "The fuck is in this?"

"The blood of my enemies. Specifically, the enemies who've tried to find me a girlfriend. They're the worst type," Tyler said with a grin.

"Oh, I don't try. I succeed."

"Not this time."

Brendon scanned the group of girls two tables away. "Any of them look interesting?"

"Nope."

"You didn't even look up."

Tyler groaned. "Just give up, okay? You're not gonna hook me up with some random chick just because you decided I'm better off in a relationship."

"You're kind of a bitch."

"You're pathetic. You meddle in others' love lives, forgetting to pay any attention to your own."

Brendon scoffed. "Please. I'm in a dedicated one-sided obsession over Sarah."

"Just because I'm not hung up on someone who doesn't know I exist..."

"Ooh, what about her?"

"Kelsi's a lesbian."

"We can turn her around."

"Not gonna happen."

 

.o0O0o.

 

Choir was the dumbest fucking class out of all the dumb fucking classes this school had to offer, which was why Brendon had taken it since freshman year.

"We're not even doing anything," Brendon moaned. "I'm gonna fuckin' die."

Pete laughed. "Sounds like you need someone to make out with."

"What part of 'dedicated one-sided obsession' do you not understand?"

"Sarah doesn't even know you exist," Patrick pointed out.

"Yeah," Pete added from Patrick's lap. "You're pathetic."

"I'm not that pathetic," Brendon grumbled. "I'm gonna find Tyler a girlfriend."

Pete immediately burst into laughter.

"What?" Brendon yelped. "What's wrong with that? I'm, like, a total romance guru. Look at you two."

Patrick laughed. "I'll have you know that I had a thing for Pete since, like, fourth grade. You had nothing to do with us." He paused. "Trust me, man, Tyler isn't gonna get a girlfriend."

Of course, that was the moment that Tyler just had to take out an earbud. "What he said."

"How 'bout Melody?"

"Too ... loud." There was a note of finality in Tyler's tone that Brendon chose to ignore.

"Ryleigh?"

"Have you seen her shoes? I've never once seen them match her outfit."

Brendon huffed. "Hannah's nice."

Tyler just laughed. "Too curvy."

"No such thing!" Brendon insisted. "Too much is never enough."

"You're a fucking idiot."

"You're a fucking asshole," Brendon replied intelligently.

"At least I'm not a blind asshole."

"Assholes don't have eyes – wait, what're you talking about?"

Tyler shook his head and put back his left earbud.

Brendon huffed and began writing down names in his notebook. At least one of these girls had to be right for Tyler.

 

.o0O0o.

 

Brendon bounced up to Tyler's desk, a pretty girl in tow. "Tyler, I found you a girlfriend."

"I don't want a girlfriend," Tyler said for the millionth time that week.

"She's pretty."

"I don't care."

"You should."

Tyler glared at Brendon. "Look, if you're gonna be an asshole, do it later, okay? I have three pages of math problems to finish by third period and I just—"

The girl – Jenna – awkwardly patted Brendon's hand. "I know Tyler's your friend, but you need to trust me here. He doesn't want to date me." She walked away.

"What am I doing wrong?" Brendon whined.

Tyler groaned. "Just give up, okay? It's none of your business."

"Impossible."

 

.o0O0o.

 

"You have a type," Brendon announced, plunking his tray onto the table across from Tyler. "You have a type, and you're very loyal to said type, and I have yet to figure it out."

Tyler glanced up, surprised. "Wow. I thought you'd never get it."

"Wait, that's your issue?"

"Yep. You don't know my type."

"Huh," Brendon said, mildly impressed with himself. "Alright ... gimme a hint."

"A hint."

"Yeah! A hint of, like, what 'Tyler's type' entails. Help me out here, man."

"Um." Tyler paused. "I like, I dunno, piercings and dyed hair? And musicians. Somebody I can talk to."

Brendon paused and thought for a moment. "I can work with that."

Tyler shook his head. "You still aren't gonna get it."

"You just straight up told me your type," Brendon said with a laugh. "I can't lose!"

"Yeah, you can, and you should really give up."

 

.o0O0o.

 

Another boy started sitting with Tyler and Brendon at lunch regularly. His name was Joshua Dun, and he had blue hair.

He wasn't going to be an asset to Brendon's mission. In fact, when Brendon asked him to help, Josh's reply was:

"Tyler? Get a girlfriend? Good luck."

Then there was a lot of laughter involved. What was happening?

 

.o0O0o.

 

Brendon's room was pretty lonely.

Especially when the fucking internet was out again and he didn't have any homework that he was willing to do.

Obviously the only logical solution was to bother the shit out of Tyler.

 

truth or dare?-

i swear, no dick pics involved this time-

nothing sexual at all i swear-

-nothing?

nothing that isn't, like, completely hypothetical-

-fine

-truth

boring-

-i don't wanna get up

tell me ur darkest secret-

-uhm ... one time ... i kissed my cousin

what the fuck-

-truth or dare

you SO owe me an explanation-

truth-

-ur being offered several million dollars. would u or would u not make out w/ ian mckellen

wtf no-

what is wrong w/ u-

t/d-

-truth

b honest ... do u or do u not have a crush on someone rn-

-... yes

who ??? ?????????? ?????!-

-nope ... truth or dare

fuck u man-

dare-

-fuck uhm

-dare u to like

-confess ur undying love to the person closest to u rn

k hold on-

my dog dgaf-

-p e r s o n

too late-

truth or dare-

-truth (im gonna regret this)

yep u r-

whos ur secret crush-

-fuck u man

ty-

whered u go-

tyyyyyyyyyler-

who? is she ???-

u hafta tell me-

pls-

fine b that way-

 

.o0O0o.

 

The next day, Tyler didn't talk to Brendon at all.

 

.o0O0o.

 

"Dude. What did I do wrong?"

Tyler didn't even acknowledge Brendon's presence.

"C'mon, man. If you'd just tell me I could apologize and we'll be fine."

No response.

"Tyler. I'm sorry, okay?"

 

.o0O0o.

 

"I just ... don't know what I did wrong!"

Pete gave Brendon a sympathetic smile. "You'll be fine. Tyler's just mad because you're sort of an idiot."

"Can you, like, tell me what I'm clearly missing?"

"No."

"Asshole."

 

.o0O0o.

 

Tyler walked up to Brendon. "Hey."

"Oh, are we speaking now?"

"Maybe."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

"D'you like my shirt?"

Tyler was wearing a shirt completely covered in rainbows.

"It's cool, man." Brendon paused. "Since we're speaking, can I continue in my quest to find you a girlfriend now? 'Cause I have about seven possible candidates lined up—"

Brendon watched helplessly as Tyler walked away without another word.

"What did I do?"

 

.o0O0o.

 

Okay. This was it. Apology time.

Clearly Tyler didn't want a girlfriend, and Brendon was ready to show up and apologize.

And maybe suggest one or two candidates. But no more than that. He wasn't a complete asshole.

"This is a bad idea," Brendon announced to Tyler's back door.

He pulled the spare key from under the doormat. (Perks of being best friends since fourth grade.) The door unlocked easily.

There wasn't anybody in the back hall or the kitchen, but the sounds of television—was that Hannah Montana—were audible from the living room.

Brendon poked his head through the doorway. "Hey, is—"

Holy Satan's nutsack.

Tyler jumped away from Joshua Dun and pulled his shirt down to cover his stomach. "Dude. Why are you in my house?"

"Um." Brendon paused. "I came here to say, um, sorry for being an asshole and, like, I won't try to find you a girlfriend anymore?"

Josh buried his head in the couch cushions while Tyler glared daggers at Brendon.

"Forgive me?" It was a half-assed attempt, but be fair: Brendon was pretty much in shock.

"Can we talk tomorrow? I was kind of in the middle of something," Tyler said, but he didn't sound quite as mad as before. But maybe that was just wishful thinking.

"Yeah, that sounds ... good ..." Brendon ducked out of the living room.

As he walked away, he heard Josh mutter, "What a mood-killer." Then there were suction-y noises that Brendon didn't really want to think about too hard.

.o0O0o.

"Um. Sorry. Again."

Tyler scratched the back of his neck. "I should've, like, tried to explain ... Look, maybe I was kind of a dick."

"Yeah, but you like—"

"If you start making gay jokes then this friendship is over."

"Sorry. I won't."

"I'm watching you," Tyler warned.

Brendon grinned. "I'm sure you—"

"Shut your fucking mouth."

 

.o0O0o.

 

Brendon totally deserved it when, a few days later, Tyler shoved him right into Sarah.

He didn't exactly regret it, either.

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said. I'm sorry.
> 
> If you're interested, my tumblr is problemthatdoesntwannabesolved.


End file.
